Missing the Hill, Single on Valentines Day, and Metal Detectors
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What's This?

Our Anonymous Hill Staffer is back answering your questions. This week’s issues are Single on Valentines Day, Metal Detectors, State of the Union and Missing capitol hill. Want your question answered? Use our web form!

I’ve been lobbying for a federal retirees organization for nearly the last two decades. Before I went into to the lobbying trade, I was a long time Legislative Director to a Member in the House of Representatives, and a Staff Director on two sub-committees. I’m a middle aged male looking to get back on the Hill; how hard will it be to get on board as a Chief of Staff on the House Side? — How many times do I have to ask before you’ll answer?

Dear How Many Times:

Thanks for asking your question again, I’m sorry it took awhile to get back to you on this. The short answer is I have no fucking clue. You’ve been working for the same company since I was like 10 years old, so I figure that you should probably know people better equipped to answer this than me. You probably spent more time on the hill than I have.

Have you seen the stories about young twenty-somethings becoming Chief? Yeah, me too. How’d they get their jobs? Campaigns mostly. So, yeah, if you want an easy shot at COS, go run a winnable race. Other than that, I’d just talk to your hill friends and hint to them you’d like to come back. Given all the years you’ve been working for a group that lobbies, surely you know a lot of people. It’s a crapshoot.

Good luck!


I HATE going through security every time i go through work. I always set it off. Everyone looks at me every morning with disdain. Any suggestions for me?

If for some reason you find yourself setting off the metal detector every day, you’ve chosen the wrong line of work. Ditch your championship belt or metal boots. You’ll thank me later.


What were your thoughts on the State of the Union? Did you think there was going to be a protest from Ted Nugent?

I’ll spare you my thoughts on SOTU, because like every hill staffer, I’ve got a ton of opinions on it. Say what you want about Ted Nugent, love him or hate him, he’s a law and order sort of guy — I didn’t think he’d do anything outlandish that would get him in trouble.


Any suggestions for a staffer who is single on Valentines Day?

No. Quit your job and move home and marry a normal person. Or go to Tune Inn, get a beer battered deep fried burger and meet your first wife over some Natty Boh. And give Matt (the bartender) a nice tip.



Got a question?

Don’t be afraid, Ask our Anonymous Hill staffer!


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