(NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed the case for embargoes, sanctions, and the possible use of force against Relativity Media LLC in response to its release of the critically and popularly reviled film “Movie 43.” The secretary also named producers Charles B. Wessler and Peter Farrelly (of the Farrelly Brothers producing team) as parties to the “unspeakable act.”
Armed with reports from Rotten Tomatoes [dot com], statistics from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, a flotilla of anecdotal evidence, and clips from the film itself – Secretary Clinton told the world that the creation and dissemination of Movie 43 was an obvious crime against humanity and a clear violation of international law. Further, she argued, inaction by the international community could invite the unthinkable: more of the same.
“Simply put, the world cannot suffer to live under the threat of a possible ‘Movie 44’,” Clinton stated — rhythmically slamming her fist on her desk for emphasis as she spoke, “No child should be raised under the cloud of fear, uncertainty and sadness that such a threat creates.”
“Anyone who saw footage of moviegoers emerging from theaters during this last week would understand that. Anyone who read the reviews would feel it in their bones. And anyone who actually saw the film will never be the same. Certainly, as many others have indicated before me, we must provide for these damaged souls, but we must do more! We must say to them ‘Never again! We will never let this happen again!’ And if we don’t act, it will!”
Clinton continued her testimony by sharing a grim, incontrovertible fact: in spite of the reviews and the horrible word of mouth, Movie 43 is turning a profit. The incredibly cheap, star-studded production cost the studio only $6 million to make and has already taken in $8 million dollars world-wide.
“It’s critic proof in that sense” said Clinton — a tear running down her face, “but that doesn’t mean that Relativity, the Farrelly Brothers and Charles Wessler don’t have to answer to the world for their crimes. It doesn’t mean they don’t have to answer to us. And it doesn’t mean that they can’t be stopped before they can make another film. They can be. They must be. And we must be the ones to stop them. This testimony is my last act as Secretary of State and I believe it is my most important.”
Clinton punctuated her emotional testimony by asking all non-critical personnel to leave the chamber, handing out airsickness bags to those who remained, and showing selected minutes from the film on monitors throughout the hall. “It was just shocking,” stated Rwandan Foreign Affairs Minister Ms. Louise Mushikiwabo, “There was human cruelty, emotional abuse, genital mutilation, pedophilia, incest, people forced to endure being defecated upon, and — inexplicably — a full fifteen minute sketch in which the only joke was Hugh Jackman having a realistic scrotum dangling from his face. You can’t un-see these things. I am forever changed.”
This article is shared as part of a collaboration with CitizenSchwartz.com. Check out more great satire at The Citizen!
This is certainly the 4th blog post, of your blog I checked out.
Nonetheless I actually enjoy this 1, “Sec. Clinton Presses UN Security Council for
Sanctions Against Producers of Movie 43” the most.
Thanks -Monserrate
Perhaps dear Hillary should just chill out with a heaping bowl of Ben and Jerry’s new ice cream flavors: “Apple-y Ever After,” “Passionate P*ssy Riot,”"Sexual Chocolate,”or “Fudgepackers’ Delight.”
Then Hillary could savor the pleasures of a truly fine cigar. My close personal friend Ricardo Fernando suggests the fine El Presidente cigar, with its own latex tip to protect against transference of dangerous bodily fluids and harmful second-hand tobacco carcinogens.
For the ladies, Ricardo suggests the fine Elle Monica cigar, more petite and feminine than the massively-endowed El Presidente cigar.
(Ricardo loves to suck on a fine El Presidente while crusing Hollywood Boulevard in his Chrysler Cordoba with the fine Corinthian leather interior)
El Presidente and Elle Monica fine cigars: “Safe Sex, Safe Smoke.”