10 DC Guys We’ve All Dated

Washington is ranked in “The 10 Best Cities for Single Women“. Here is the list of the 10 DC Guys we’ve all dated:

1. The chill republican dude.

All his shirts have little pink whales on them and he used to be on the list at Smith Point when Smith Point was cool. He feels the same way about the Georgetown waterfront as you do about AdMo: it’ll always be there when you need to get housed. You think it’s okay because he’s “Libertarian,” pays for everything, and his friends throw great parties; too bad most of them are assholes.

2. Gone every weekend guy.

He’s boisterous and charming, he’ll make you laugh all night at a weekday happy hour, and then never ever be in town when something fun is going on that you want to run into him at. You think it’s okay because he’s “really fun.” He’s probably from New York (ish) and is always headed home to bro out. Cool, for him.

3. Closeted type-A guy.

He listens to a mix of jazz, Phish, and NPR, but watches his Mint account like a hawk and gets super pissed when his DVR cuts an episode of 60 minutes short. You met him in some totally spontaneous way that proves unequivocally, to everyone, just how not type-A he is. You think it’s okay because he “has his shit together,” until he takes you to a concert an hour early, and when he tells you to pick any table you want in the empty club, you still manage to pick the wrong one.

4. Enigma guy.

He moved to DC in his late 20s after living in somewhere between 1 and 3 foreign countries. His parents think his working in DC means he’s settling down, but really he likes living in the happy-hour-and-smart-girls capital of the world. He tells you cool stories about Prague, texts you for a few weeks, and then can’t be tied down. You think it’s okay because he’s “finding himself.” You run into him at The Brixton a month later and make more than one bad decision.

5. Outside the beltway guy.

You meet at Lou’s, a Nats game, or anywhere you’re day drinking, because it’s a weekend and that’s the only time he actually spends hanging out in the District. He technically lives in the metro area and, even though it’s “20 minutes away,” you couldn’t find your way home from his place with Ferdinand Magellan and an iPhone 7. You think it’s okay because you’re not dating anyone else right now, but deep down you know there is a slight chance that in 6 months he’ll suggest you eat dinner at an Olive Garden. NOT OKAY.

6. From-here guy.

“Wait you’re from where? Here? Like, DC?” Yep, he’s from here…kind of. He’s from Fairfax or Gaithersburg or someplace frequently mentioned in traffic reports. He went to a school named after a founding father and his MBA makes him the least educated member of his family. He thinks the beach can only be enjoyed in one-week increments and makes a genuine but fruitless effort to convince you that you haven’t been anywhere until you’ve seen the Outer Banks. You think it’s okay because he’s smart and can show you good hole-in-the wall restaurants; too bad his baggage is also local.

7. Lost southern guy.

He wears cowboy boots when it’s 9,000 degrees outside and only drinks domestic bottled beer. He’s sweet, loves his family and you have a great first date at Rocklands/Hill Country. You think it’s okay because you find his use of the word “y’all” and undying passion for college athletics charming. Unfortunately he only moved here to work for a conservative think tank/PR firm/member of Congress, and he can’t wait to find a job back in Texas and blow this Yankee popsicle stand.

8. Clarendon guy.

He’s mildly hot, well-dressed, and has a pretty cool sounding job. You met at Spider Kelly’s, Mad Rose Tavern, or a Clarendon-reciprocity DC bar like The Hamilton or Mr. Smith’s. He can put down shots of Fireball like it’s nobody’s business and he never misses brunch. Your first date is either at Northside Social or his friend’s birthday bar crawl. You think it’s okay because his building has a great pool and at least it’s metro accessible. It’s over when you realize he expects to receive oral without giving it first. Too bad because that pool was seriously awesome.

9. Organic kale guy.

Ugh. This guy grows his own herbs, buys organic kale at the farmer’s market, and uses it all to make a homemade quiche that he brings to tasteful dinner party (that means everyone gets their own chair and talks about books). Seriously, how did you get out Martha-Stewarted by a guy? You think it’s okay because maybe he’ll do your laundry one day. It’s over when he ditches you for someone more acceptable to bring home to mom (read: boring). But everyone knows you were better in bed.

10. Really important guy.

In addition to being a functioning alcoholic, he’s an appointee, Hill committee staffer, or otherwise right-hand-man to someone huge, which you learn in the first 15 minutes of knowing him. He’ll pontificate about U.S.-China trade policy, but as soon as you begin your retort, he starts checking his blackberry. Your first date is either at Old Ebbit or Policy, depending on his party affiliation. The sex might be good, but don’t be surprised when post-coital pillow talk gets interrupted by Meet the Press. You think it’s okay because he’s “going places,” too bad “places” means Iowa and New Hampshire.

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